Confessions of an Mbuna Freak

by Dave Ball
President of the Southern Colorado Aquarium Society
Aquarticles

Freak: (frek) n. 1. A sudden causeless change of mind; a whim. 2. A malformation; monstrosity. 3. A splash; streak.

A long, long, long time ago a child was born unto some very happy parents. He was their first born and the center of attention around the home. Life was grand. As the child grew he took a great interest in water. He loved it. The child liked to swim, the rain, even liked to take baths and showers. The one thing that he liked most of all was the aquarium in the corner of the living room. The tank was meager by today’s standards but beautiful in its own way. It had a metal frame and top with an incandescent light, just a few plastic plants and a live banana plant trying to take hold. A couple of guppies, marble mollies, swordtails, an angelfish, and a lone Cory cat were the residents. Nothing fancy, just the average home aquarium. The tank held the attention of the child and the cat, who tried to get a free meal every now and then. Movements of the fish were reflected in the gleaming eyes of the child. It was a sight to see. The time came to move one day and the tank had to be taken down and the fish given away. It was a sad day for the little boy. His favorite thing in the whole world was gone. But there would be other tanks in his future, the seed had been planted.

The country was traveled and more moves took place never settling down for more than a few years at a time. There was never another aquarium set-up in these other houses. That metal tank was used to keep snakes, frogs, and praying mantis collections. This last occupant of the tank was a sign of things to come. This child had a dark side to this craving of the odd and different. With no aquariums in the house the young lad, now approaching teen-hood, would wander the woods looking for streams, creeks, and forest ponds. He had his favorites, he knew where the crayfish were and where the frogs laid their eggs every season. While walking though the woods along a creek he could tell which rock or fallen branch would reveal a salamander when overturned. He had learned many things by just being curious.

There was one thing that he never saw and that was fish. He would find many of nature's creatures, but never any fish. He liked fish, they caught his glance whenever they moved. He could watch them for hours. It didn’t matter what they were. He liked them all. When he would go the zoo the animals sparked only a mere ounce of interest unless they had to do with water. Elephants and gazelles were common and often made him yawn. However when it came to the aquatic part of the zoo he was in heaven. Water fowl and aquatic reptiles started his heart racing. He urged his family along because he knew that fish where inside. Tanks would line the walls. Little ones, big ones and just plain huge ones were everywhere. He wanted to spend the rest of his life in here. This was what he wanted. Gigantic sharks and groupers lived in these big aquariums. Many of the other tanks held smaller salt-water fishes and there were a few freshwater aquariums, but mostly salt. There was even one which you could look down into and in it were giant clams. They were several feet across and very beautiful. Then there was this voice that said “Mbuna”. He turned to look from were the voice came, but there was no one. He looked at the tanks some more ignoring the sound and it was soon forgotten. Little did he know the seed had germinated and was starting to grow.

The boy had grown into a young man and was rapidly approaching legal adulthood when the urge struck again. In this house was another aquarium. Much more modern than the last one and it was almost three times larger than the other. But it wasn’t enough. He wanted his own. Yes, it was time to try one. He searched the ads in the local paper, but they were too big or too much. Finally he earned enough to buy his own tank and was on his way. He started out much like the first tank he ever saw, just the standard fishes. He tried raising some baby livebearing fishes but they died. It didn’t matter to him for some reason. It was very frustrating at the time but he shrugged it off for the time being. As time went on, one tank turned into three and they were there to stay. But something was wrong. He had a hard time keeping them alive very long. He knew nothing about the nitrogen cycle until it was explained to him. The fish kept on dying after a short time. He had almost given up. Then one day the voice came again and said “Mbuna”. He turned around but no one was there. Where did it come from? Why him? WHY? It drove him nuts. It was like a hot needle had been driven into the base of his brain. The pounding was tremendous and caused him to pass out.

When he awoke he was face down the middle of his room. Getting to his feet he knew he was a changed person. Leaving his house on his regular tour of the local fish stores, he had some strange new urges. Walking into the first store he asked the owner if had any "Mbuna." "How odd," he thought, never having used that word before. The owner didn’t have any of those African Cichlids. “What’s a ‘sick lid’?”, he thought to himself again on his way home. After finding out what a cichlid was, he got rid of his tropicals and changed his whole outlook on the fish keeping concept. He wanted this mysterious “Mbuna”. He would pray to the “Great Mbuna” god seeking to find this fish. Then one night he got all dressed up so that the “Mbuna” god would bless him. He put on his great, great grandfathers Viking helmet and his own hot pink leopard skin loin-cloth, his python in his left hand and his “Nkolokolo” in the right hand, he danced around the fire he had made on the living room carpet. Chanting all sorts of Latin fish names he had learned, hoping that the “Mbuna” would show themselves. Two houses later and $40,000 in arson fines there was still no “Mbuna” in his tanks. He was at the end of the line. Maybe the fish were just to be photographs in expensive books collecting dust on his shelf. He wanted these fish badly but they were nowhere to be found, until...

He wandered into a store one day, face blackened with soot and his eyebrows singed almost out of existence, looking for “Mbuna”. Then he saw it. A tank with a pile of rocks for decoration and fish swimming in and out of them. He ran over and hugged the tank as if he were trying to put his arms around a big oak tree. Found at last, the fish he wanted. Dropping to his knees, smoke still rising from his body, he started praying to the “Great Mbuna” god in the sky. Thanking him for the new found treasures...

Cichlididiot: See freak & substitute the word cichlid in the appropriate spots.

Reference: Funk & Wagnalls Co., Standard Dictionary International Edition, 1958-59